I Don't Wanna Know
by FlyingPigMonkey
Summary: "Hawke awoke with a start. She slid her hand over on the bed only to find it empty. 'I keep forgetting it wasn't a dream.'" darkfic/non-con Anders/F!Hawke  HIATUS
1. The First Kiss

AN: While writing _You've Got the Love_ I felt this primal urge to kill off Anders, but I stuck to the plot and decided to write this story. So you don't get too confused, each chapter will start out with a flashback of before he died. WARNING SPOILERS! Rated M for later. I do not own the rights to Dragon Age or any of its characters, I'm just a fan-girl. :)

Update 9/12/11 – I have not abandoned this! I've just been so busy since I got home from school, but I'll be heading back next week so I hope updates will come more often. I'm planning on having 5 or 6 chapters, pretty short. So, I've read through the two that are currently posted and fixed more spelling stuff so I could start working on chapter 3. Hopefully I'll have it up in a week or two (I have a ton of packing to do this week). Happy reading!

* * *

><p><em>It was late by the time Hawke entered the clinic, hoping he was done with his patients for the day. The smell of salves and poultices filled her nostrils as she smiled. Anders was knelt over a bowl of milk in the corner of the room, again. <em>

_ "Are there really cats around, Anders? I have yet to see one."_

_ The mage stood and turned around, a smile spread across his face when he looked into hers. "Perhaps, but I'm beginning to think that the refugees have scared them all off. Or maybe eaten them. Either way, I miss having a cat around." He walked over and sat down at his desk. "So what brings you down here this late?"_

_ Hawke leaned back against the desk, still smiling. "It's the New Year and a bunch of us were going to meet up at the Hanged Man to start off next year off right; wasted out of our minds. Would you care to join us?"_

_ Anders let out a small chuckle as he shook his head, "I don't think that's a good idea."_

_ Hawke tried to pout, but the mage's laughter made it impossible. "Why not?"_

_ "Well," he leaned back in his chair, "because the last time I let you guys get me drunk Isabela tried to rape me!"_

_ "Oh yeah. That was pretty funny."_

_ "Not to me. Maker knows what the woman has caught from her many encounters."_

_ "Well, I'll just have to make sure she can't get her legs wrapped around you."_

_ "Yeah? And how's that?"_

_ Hawke jumped up on the desk, straddling Anders' chair with her feet on the arm rests. Part of her was disappointed she hadn't changed into skirt before she went to Darktown. "She won't have room with mine securely clenched at your waist."_

_ Anders let his chair lean back forward as his smile dropped from his face. "That's not funny." _

_ "Who said it was supposed to be?" she widened her grin and lust filled her eyes. _

_ "Hawke, we've talked about this." He tried to get up but Hawke pushed him back down._

_ "No, you've talked about this while I quietly sat back and listened. But I'm done listening." She got down off the desk and climbed onto his lap, still straddling him. "Now you need to listen to me."_

_ Anders audibly gulped, trying to keep his brown eyes on her green ones instead of the low neck shirt that was threatening to spill open._

_ The rogue cupped his face in her hands as her smile disappeared as well. "Anders," her voice became serious and intent. "I know you think you will hurt me, but you're hurting me more now by cutting me off than you ever could if we are together. I love you." She leaned down and softly pressed her lips to his. After a moment of shock, Anders snaked his arms around her waist. His tongue begged for access into her, which she promptly allowed. _

_ They spent several minutes exploring each others mouths before Hawke pulled back for air. As she went back in for another kiss, Anders whispered, "I love you." The rogue paused. "I was afraid to say it and I'm sorry. I can't give you a normal life. Who knows how much time we will actually have together, but I want to spend that time with you."_

_ Hawke smiled and got off of him. "Come on," she said holding out a hand to him. "I want to show off to everyone that you're mine."_

_ He stood and took her had as they made their way to the Hanged Man though the celebrating crowds._

* * *

><p>Hawke awoke with a start. She slid her hand over on the bed only to find it empty. <em>I keep forgetting it wasn't a dream.<em> A jolt came to her stomach as she jumped from her bed, reaching for her chamber pot. Hot liquid spilled from her as she retched on the floor.

Bodahn heard her from the front room and came running to her side. "Lady Hawke! Are you okay? Should I call a doctor?" He sat on the floor next to her and held back her hair as she continued to heave.

"No Bodahn—I will—be fine—in a couple minutes." She managed to say between mouthfuls. When her stomach was finally empty, she sat up and grabbed a bottle of mead from her nightstand. "See? All better." The rogue uncorked the bottle and took her first swig of the day. "Go ahead and go back to what you were doing. I need to get dressed."

"Yes miss," the dwarf stood and walked to the door before turning back to face the Champion. "Should I bring your breakfast up here or set up the table?"

"No breakfast today. But thank you." Hawke stood, walking over to her wardrobe to find some clothes.

"But you haven't eaten here in several days. I'm not sure you're eating enough."

"I'll eat at the Hanged Man later. I'm eating plenty." She lied. "Really Bodahn, you worry too much." The rogue pulled out an outfit and laid it out on her bed.

"Yes, Lady Hawke. I'm sorry" The dwarf closed the door behind him and headed down to the kitchen.

Hawke sighed, looking at the door for a moment before turning back to her clothes. She slipped out of her night shirt, pulling on a clean set of underclothes with a white button up shirt and tight black breaches over them. Her blue corset snapped and her knee high boots slid on. The rogue moved over to her weapon stand and hooked her favorite twin blades to her back.

She looked herself over in the mirror as she combed out the knots in her hair. _Damn, I could give Isabela a run for her money. Why haven't I worn this outfit before?_ She stopped brushing and remembered. _Oh yea, Anders. _Once she had him there was no need to dress up for attention. Hawke set her brush back down on her vanity and pushed a fake smile on her face before leaving for the pub.

* * *

><p>Hawke was still at the Hanged Man late that night. The first couple days after he had died she didn't leave her bed. Finally, Isabela drug her out of her house and down to the Hanged Man to comfort her friend the only way the pirate knew how: by getting smashed. The two women drank all day and late into the night before Isabela went to bed, leaving the Champion to make her way home alone. But before going back to Hightown, Hawke went home with one of the other bar patrons. Anders had been the only man to touch her in a long time and the physical contact helped her forget for a couple hours. Now she was making it a habit, drinking all day and sleeping with the other drunkards before going home to bed, only to repeat the process again the next day.<p>

"Hawke, you need to go home." Varric stood next to her barstool as she hit on yet another one of Lowtown's lowlife.

"Leave me alone Varric. We'll be leaving in a minute." She turned back to the rough looking man getting drunk beside her and gave him a lustful smile.

Varric walked around her and faced the man. "Get out of here. She's not interested."

The man looked down at the dwarf with a dangerous smile. "You need to mind your own business." He pulled a dagger out from inside his leather vest. "I think the lady can decide what she wants."

Varric grabbed the man's arm and pulled him to the ground in a headlock while twisting his armed arm back behind him. The man yelped and dropped the dagger. "Now, are you ready to leave the nice lady alone?" The dwarf whispered in his ear and the roughen nodded eagerly. "Good." Varric let him go. "Now get out of here." He growled. The man got up and ran out the door.

Varric turned back to Hawke. She was still sitting at her barstool, sipping her whisky like nothing happened. "Come on." He grabbed her arm and pulled her from her seat.

"Varric, what the hell?" she tried to struggle away from him but was too drunk to do anything substantial as the dwarf pulled her up the stairs to his suite.

"If I can't trust you to leave alone then you're staying here." He slammed the door behind them and pushed Hawke on to his bed. "Now you're going to talk to me. You haven't said much about what happened this last week, but you need to talk about it."

Hawke shook her head and slurred, "I'm fine Varric. There's nothing to talk about." She tried to get up, only to be pushed back down by the dwarf.

"Stop it, Hawke. I know he's gone, but you can't drink yourself into oblivion. What would he say if he saw you like this?" The Champion looked down at her wringing hands. Varric watched her shoulders begin to shake in silent sobs. He wrapped his arms around her frame in a tight hug. "It's alright. Come on, lets lay you down." She nodded as they moved up to his pillows. Hawke laid her head on his chest as her cried became loud. Wrapping his arms back around her, the dwarf ran his fingers through her dirty blond hair. "Talk it out with me."

After several minutes, she had calmed enough to speak, "I feel like a part of me died with him. He was everything I had." A sob overtook her for a moment before she could continue. "We were talking about running away to the Anderfels. We could find the town his parents were from and start a family. He wanted to leave after the issue with the mages and templars was worked out. But now-" Hawke was unable to finish as she broke back down into heavy sobs.

"Shhh. I know it hurts and I know that Anders was important to you. Blondie would come here when you were out caravanning around the Free Marches and go on for hours about how he felt for you. But you gotta hold on. Everything will be okay."

"I don't know if I can, Varric."

"Nonsense! It's hard now, but it will get easier over time. And someday you will find another man who will help you dull the pain completely and you'll want to spend the rest of your life with him."

Hawke sat up, looking Varric in the eye. Her face red and puffy, her hair a damp mess sticking to her cheeks. "Do you really think so?"

Varric smiled at her. "Of course I do. Any man would be lucky to have you."

The rogue thought for a moment before moving in closer to her friend. She pushed their lips together, forcing her tongue into the dwarf's mouth. "Hawke, stop." She didn't stop and instead climbed on top of his bulky frame. "Hawke, seriously. Stop." Hawke pushed her hands up the front of Varric's shirt before he roughly pushed her off him, saying, "Hawke! Stop! What are you doing?" as she fell over the side of the bed onto the wooden floor.

Hawke sat on the floor for a moment as they stared at each other. When it hit her just what she had been doing her face went even pinker in embarrassment. The Champion jumped off the floor and ran out the door, not stopping when Varric called out for her. She leapt down the stairs in a single bound and was quickly outside the pub.

"Hey, there you are." The Champion turned to see the rough man leaning against a nearby wall eyeing her frame. "I was beginning to think you weren't coming out. You still want to go somewhere?"

Hawke heard Varric calling again from inside the Hanged Man before answering. "Let's get out of here."

The man grinned at her before taking her hand. They quickly disappeared into the shadows of Lowtown.


	2. The First Love

AN: I'm sorry it took so long to update. I had finals to study for and take at the beginning of June and had to spend time with my family before classes started again yesterday. I hope to update again sooner :) Please R&R so I can get better. This is only my second story, so I have no idea what I'm doing as of yet and any constructive criticism you can offer would be much appreciated! Again, if you see any spelling mistakes please let me know; I do use a spell checker but it doesn't catch everything and I am horrible at spelling. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy!

**WARNING:** **this is the chapter with the rape scene, so read at your own risk!**

Update 9/12/11 – Hopefully I found all the spelling mistakes in here, too. As I said before, I hope to have another chapter up in the next week or two. Sorry again for taking so long to post. I'm finding it really hard to get inspired to write on Dragon Age outside of school D: but I will be going back on Sunday so I hope to start pumping stuff out faster!

* * *

><p><em>Hawke came stumbling into the clinic mid-day after another job along the Wounded Coast. She and Fenris had been ambushed by a small group of Tal-Vashoth, the battle ending with the rogue taking an arrow in the thigh. The elf helped her down to Darktown but left her to make her way the last hundred feet to the door on her own, causing Hawke to crash to the clinic floor as the last of her strength gave out. After Anders healed and bandaged her, the mage insisted she rest for the afternoon on one of the beds so he could keep an eye on her as he tended to the refugees that came in throughout the day. As the last patient closed the clinic door in the early evening, Anders turned to look at his friend.<em>

_ She was sitting up on a nearby cot trying to clean her face of blood with a damp rag, still clad in her rough leathers. He couldn't help but find himself even more drawn to the Champion when she was all grimy from a long day out in the Free Marches. It would make what he had to say much more difficult._

_ "Maker, am I lucky to have you around." Hawke said when she realized Anders was watching her. "I should be alright to go back to working tomorrow. A doctor would have had me on bed rest for a week." She smiled up at him as she made to stand up._

_ Anders rushed to her side to give her something to lean against as she found her balance. "I kind of wanted to talk to you about that." He couldn't bring himself to look her in the eye. "I think we should go back to just being friends."_

_ Hawke's body went rigid against his but she kept her voice casual. "What makes you think that?"_

_ "Hawke, you deserve to find someone who can give you a great life with kids and a house. I can't do that, no matter how much I wish I could. We should end this before we become too serious."_

_ She could no longer hide the hurt in her voice. "And here I thought we were already serious. Look Anders, I love you and you breaking us off is not going to change that. I know that eventually the templars are going to become too curious and you're going to have to run, most likely sooner than later. When that day comes I plan on going with you. I also don't care that we may not be able to grow old together because of your Calling. We need to make what time we do have together really count and by you trying to push me away will only make that impossible." Hawke reached up, rapping her arms around Anders' neck as his own found their way around her waist._

_ "Hawke, I don't think you fully realize what that really means."_

_ "Yes I do. It means I'm not leaving your side for anything." She pulled him down into chaste kiss. "Now, I've been meaning to talk to you about something as well. I think we need to get out of Kirkwall."_

_ Anders stared at her in confusion for a moment before replying, "Wait, what?"_

_ "I have a couple more jobs to finish up tomorrow, but we could leave Kirkwall as soon as the weekend. I have more than enough sovereigns to take us anywhere in Thedas we wish and get us settled once we've arrived. We could make a new life for ourselves far from the politics of the big city."_

_ Anders took in a deep breath as he struggled with Justice for a compromise. He didn't realize his face showed it until Hawke said, "He doesn't like that idea, does he?"_

_ His eyes went sad briefly, "How about I make you a deal? Let's wait to leave until this business between the Circle and the templars is sorted out and I promise not to try to push you away again."_

_ The rogue smiled up at her mage. "I think I can put up with a couple more weeks in this place if, that is, you can make it worth my while."_

_ "Well, I can certainly try my best." Anders leaned down into a heated kiss, opening his mouth when Hawke's tongue begged for entry. Her hands made their way to his chest, softly rubbing his muscles through his robes. The mage slowly began pulling her towards a door at the back of the clinic leading to his bedroom, never breaking their lips apart._

* * *

><p>Hawke allowed herself to be pulled down an alleyway of Lowtown by a rough looking man she just met that night. He was quite a bit taller than her, with raven hair and dark eyes, and looked like he had slept in his clothes. He wasn't exactly the most attractive man she had slept with, but he was the best looking in the Hanged Man that night. As they darted from backstreet to backstreet Hawke quickly found herself not knowing where they were.<p>

They rounded the back corner of an abandoned building in the foundry district, far from any lit homes. The man pushed her up against the back wall and mashed their lips together, forcibly pushing his tongue into her mouth. Hawke struggled to breathe as he began to rip at her blouse. She was just able to push him away from her face long enough to say, "Hey, be more careful! That shirt was expensive!"

The man pulled away slightly, grabbing a dagger from his belt and trailing it lightly down her cheek. "I'm going to be as rough as I want and you're going to enjoy it." He smiled wickedly at her as he cut through her corset, exposing her chest to the cool night air.

"Fuck that! Get away from me!" Hawke franticly tried to push him off of herself, but he was too strong.

"Oh no you don't! You're not getting away that easily." The dark man quickly turned her around to face into the wall. Her screams echoed off the abandoned warehouses as the man ripped into her leggings.

As he began to pound into her the rogue forced her mind to go else where, finding it drifting to an early memory of her days in Kirkwall:

_Hawke was walking through the fields surrounding the City of Chains on a warm early summer afternoon. The golden grass was just tall enough for her fingers to brush along its tips. It had been a perfectly peaceful day and she was having a lovely stroll, except for one thing that is: The tall mage beside her was complaining, again._

_ "Sod it all! Why didn't you say it was so hot?" his brow crinkled in frustration._

_ Hawke giggled at his expression, having never seen anyone get upset about having nice weather. "I did when you asked about my dress. Remember?"_

_ Anders let out a heavy sigh before reaching up to scratch the back of his neck. "I guess. I just didn't think it was _this_ hot out." He stopped walking and Hawke turned to face him several feet away. "Could we perhaps stop for a moment? I feel like I'm drowning in these robes."_

_ Hawke moved towards him and sat near his feet. "Of course." she grinned largely up at him, but it quickly melted away._

_ Anders unbuttoned his outer robes and let them slip into the grass, exposing a damp white tunic. The rogue took in a sharp breath as her companion pulled the shirt up over his head. He was surprisingly quite slender. Each movement sent ripples across his chest and stomach as his muscles flexed just below the skin. She hadn't realized she was staring until a light laugh snapped her back to reality._

_ "Enjoying the show from down there?" The mage beamed at her as he plopped down to the ground beside her. Hawke quickly averted her eyes and pretended a blade of grass was tremendously interesting. It was quiet for several minutes before a soft touch on her arm forced her to turn back to Anders. He offered her a small pink flower and a soft smile. She took the bud and brought it to her nose as he said, "Perhaps when you get back from the Deep Roads you could return the favor?"_

_ The rogue laughed heartily, fully at ease again._

When the raven man was finished with her, he took a step back from the shaking body, letting Hawke fall into a crumpled heap on the ground. He reached into his pocket, taking out a small money bag and removing a Piece from within. The coin clanked as it hit the ground in front of the Champion. "Here, buy yourself a new shirt." And he disappeared into the night.

It took Hawke several minutes to gather the strength to pick herself up off the ground. She gathered what was left of her clothes around her and slowly wondered the allies until she recognized a street. Carefully, the rogue used the shadows to make her way back to Hightown and her estate. Luckily Bodahn and his son were already in their quarters, allowing Hawke to sneak into her room without any questions. Quickly she discarded her clothing into the fire her manservant had build for her and changed into a nightgown before crawling into bed.

Hawke gathered her blankets around her body as the tears finally came flowing out.

* * *

><p>The next morning Hawke awoke with a start when she heard the front door slamming shut, a gruff argument echoing through the house. It took her a moment to recognize the dwarven voices as being Bodahn and Varric, the former trying to keep the latter from going upstairs.<p>

"Shit!" The rogue jumped out of her bed and pulled on a loose fitting dress. It was short sleeved with a light purple floral pattern, perfect for spring. Quickly, she grabbed a garter from her desk drawer, slipping it onto her upper thigh before sliding a small dagger into its slot, and her cloak.

The voices were now just on the other side of her bedroom door and Varric began calling her name through the wood. Hawke ran out onto her balcony, quietly closing the terrace doors behind her, and jumped down into a large bush. She scrambled out of the brush and pulled her hood up, allowing the rogue to disappear into the crowd before the dwarf was able to glimpse her golden hair.

For several minutes, she allowed her to be pulled with the traffic flow through the market while she tried to think of somewhere to hide. _Some where quiet with lots of alcohol, where I could camp out without worry and I wouldn't be asked every other bloody minute if I'm alright. Of course! _Hawke turned herself around and headed back through the market towards the mansions of Hightown.

She was almost to her destination when the sound of her name pulled the Champion off her path, where she met a pair of piercing blue eyes. Dressed in grungy trousers and boots, Sebastian came trotting up to her, a large smile lighting up his dirty face. "Hawke! I'm so glad to see you!"

She forced one back at him, but she was sure it must have looked more like a grimace. "Hello Sebastian."

"I've been meaning to come by but I've been so busy at the Chantry. We've been cleaning up and hope to start rebuilding by the end of the season." All Hawke could do was nod. "I'm sorry I haven't been there. I'm sure these last couple weeks have been hard for you."

She brought her hands up, trying to wave him off as tears began to form in her eyes. "I'm fine. Everything's fine."

His face hardened as he looked his friend over, "Don't you lie to me, lass. You know you can come to me and I will always listen." He softened as sorrow flooded her eyes.

A large tear slipped down her cheek. Sebastian cupped her face in his hands, catching more that tumbled out. "I know, I just-" a deep sob cut Hawke off as the archer pulled her into his arms. He kneaded deep circles into her back as she cried into his bare shoulder.

After a moment, he spoke up. "How about I take you out for dinner tonight? I think it would do you well to get out of that estate."

Hawke pulled away slightly as she gained control over her cries. _No, no, no, no, no, no, _"Yes. That sounds….lovely, Sebastian." _Damn._ She forced another smile to grace her face. "Thank you."

"Aye, what are friends for?" His lips softly graced her forehead before he extracted himself from her arms. "I'd better be getting back to work, but I'll pick you up later." The rogue nodded again before turning away. "Maker be with you, Hawke."


	3. Author's Note

Just a quick Author's Note:

I know I haven't undated this story in roughly a year, and I am terribly sorry for anyone who started it and liked it! I know where I want the story to go, and I've actually written the very end. I also know roughly what I want to happen in each chapter (only going to be 5 chapters long). I just cannot get myself motivated to write it out.

I will finish this! It's just a matter of time…I hope you'll hold in there with me. While summer is coming up, I'm taking 3 classes online and am staying on campus at my University, so we'll see just how much writing I actually get done.

In other news, has been deleting a lot of the more MA stories lately without letting authors know a head of time. If this suddenly disappears, that's why. I also heard a rumor that some of the people who decide what stories are deleted will just kick off stories of couples/plots they don't like, regardless of rating. I have no idea if that's true, but apparently there are postings of these people's conversations up on different sites and my sister has read them. Either way, I have been moving my stories over to archiveofourown, so if they get kicked from here at least they are still somewhere. If you are interested in following me on AO3, I am using the same username (FlyingPigMonkey).

Again, I am so sorry for not updating. Have a wonderful day and I hope to see you on AO3!


End file.
